Productivity Reform

Recently I have come to the realization that to do lists and schedule planners can be a silent killer. Those who know me well know that I cannot live without these items. I use them for two reasons: first, to help me remember the important things that need to be accomplished and second to help me see progress. I have often complained about my poor memory and I think that over the years my defense mechanism has been to make lists and plan tasks. My days have become centered around my schedule because achievement is important to me. I remember days of illness or extreme fatigue or when called away because of something unexpected and how upset or depressed I felt for not having been productive that day.

Seemingly, I am struggling with qualities that generally are viewed as character builders. This does not sound right but is it possible? Maybe these favorable traits are struggling with me. Things like work ethic, responsibility and drive to succeed are features that I strive to possess but I wonder if I am taking these too far? Am I receiving enough reward for the stress involved with keeping the schedule?

Lately in my praying I have sensed God teaching me about other qualities like pace, priority, and efficient wisdom. Admittedly these are things that I have not inquired about but are the Lord's response to me in reference to other things we have discussed. So my schedule has changed as a result. Wait, that is not exactly true. My list making and planning have continued for the reasons I wrote earlier, but I have changed to help myself be truly productive and not kill myself in the process. These changes are mostly attitudinal allowing for flexibility and a little spontaneity (just a smidge because a whole lot would drown me). This week specifically I have used my planner as a supplement to productivity and not the primary tool. Looking first at my primary surroundings with respect to relationships, current activity, and the time allotment before the next natural break in the day has helped me experience daily life with less stress and more value for those people and activities I have experienced. This cuts across my grain by saying that being reactive to life as apposed to proactive is bringing peace. I really do not understand that intellectually and truthfully have harsh things to say about people to live in that style. An so it is with change. It is never easy. Using my schedule as a supplement to managing my time has not been easy because I am fighting off feelings of guilt and the horrible self-characterization of laziness. The good I am experiencing this week is outweighing the bad for sure. The reward of finding more enjoyment in daily, routine life has trumped the feelings of success with items on the list crossed off.

What's next? I do not know but I will look around and see. I have options and that is a good thing.