The questions I have asked about my past have helped me at least get some orientation on the present. I hesitate to use the term "understand" because I am certain I do not "understand" all that is occurring to me and around me. It seems reasonable to think that understanding will come as seasons of life expire and new ones arrive.
Even though I am thinking about legacy does not mean I should be making assessments about it's girth or weight as it pertains to the high and low points of my existence. Am I the best judge of the impact of my accomplishments? I doubt it. Others who have had their lives brush up against mine (fortunately or unfortunately) are better able to measure if I have truly accomplished anything worth remembering. It seems to me that the only pure (honest and humble) thing I can do to shape my legacy is to attempt to steer it one way or the other. I cannot assess the results; only make decisions to charter a certain path.
The path I am now on has been steered to a different course. This path is a weird one because the details are much vaguer and the sight line is short. November will mark a year since I last participated in vocational ministry. This time off has been pleasing because I have been able to hide and avoid the pounding that a formal church career unleashes. It has also been a year of strong emotions. The questions have been brutal. Have I been disobedient to God’s call? Am I getting lazy and soft, settling for a life that is presumably easier? As I have struggled with this worry and guilt, I have become satisfied with a disassociation from vocational church ministry.
Having experienced church collapses twice in five years was the primary reason for the “burnout” and the need for a personal re-evaluation. It was never in the plan to quit the journey that I started out on at age 16 although participation in eight years of career church ministry has helped me draw more conclusions and prompted new questions. It is hard for even me to believe, but I am more content now than at any other time in my life. I believe (at least I think) I have been able to accomplish more in ministry outside the infrastructure of the church than within it.
Coming back to understanding legacy from a generational point of view, I realize more than ever that the decisions I am making now and the path I am treading matter immensely, especially since I cannot judge or predict how the next generation will perceive what I have done. The appraisal of my life is in “their” hands. All I can do is live it to the best of my ability; learning from the past and praying about the future.
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